By Deanna Patterson

This is a really strange year for me as I have an 18 year old graduating high school and starting college in the fall and I have one small 6 year old starting Kindergarten. My heart feels like it is attached to a yo-yo.

I am thrilled that Kaitlin has accomplished so much and graduated with highest honors, receiving scholarships for college, but I find myself not ready to let her go. She is going, but my heart is busting at the thought of it. She is so excited and ready for this new challenge and I know she will succeed, but I wish I could just keep her with me. I do wish her well and want her to go on to college, but deep inside me, I long for the past again, those days when she was in elementary school and intermediate school.

And then there is Tucker who is just starting school. He, too, is very excited about starting Kindergarten, but I am not so enthusiastic. I would rather just keep him with me forever. Six years have passed so fast. He could have started last year but we held him back and this last year just whizzed by and now it is time to let him go. I sometimes think I should just home school him, but I know that he needs more than just his mom's teaching. He is very intelligent and I can't wait to see how he drives his teacher nuts because he is so advanced. But once again my heart screams to just keep him here with me.

Only a mother could understand this feeling. I tell myself that I should be rejoicing that Kaitlin is going to college, but a deep unexplainable sadness lurks ever so near me when I think about her leaving. I should be jumping for joy that Tucker is so ready and excited to be starting school, but that same sadness is creeping up in me about letting him go.

Some days I don't think I will be able to stand the turning loose, but then God speaks very gently to my spirit and reminds me that they are His and He is perfectly capable of taking care of them with or without me. I have to make the decision to trust His perfect care of these precious babies.

I could go on about when my older children left home, but I was younger then and didn't seem to be quite so affected as I am now. Surely it is an age thing. I'm just getting old and I am tired of change. I have way too much change in my life and must be rebelling against it in my heart. Who knows for sure?

I shall talk to the Lord about this and hopefully the pain in my heart of letting go will ease with time. I pray that Kaitlin will go on to accomplish all that God wants her to and that she will become the woman of her dreams. I pray that Tucker will grow and learn and be the top of his class and that God will make him into a man after His own heart.

Oh, I have other children in-between and I am praying for them, too, and maybe I should pray that I enjoy every minute I have with all of them because time is so short.